Who's That Little Monster Instead Your Head?

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I have a little monster inside me that I call Mr. Productivity. I feel bad calling him a monster, but he's unrelenting with his goals.

Mr. Productivity wants one thing from me: that I spend my time doing what he sees as productive tasks.

As a kid, that meant spending all day doing homework, getting better at sports, and studying for tests. These days, it means anything that earns money, makes me smarter or improves my skills.

In an achievement-obsessed world, Mr. Productivity has been a wonderful ally. His constant pestering motivated me to ace tests, get a good education, and earn a livable wage. At a young age, I created a stable foundation for living.

But now that I know how to take care of the basics of life, Mr. Productivity and me have started to have more conflict.

That's because I've decided that many joys of life sit outside of the world of achievement.

These days, I'm not interested in climbing some career ladder or trying to reach some level of wealth. I'd rather spend time listening to birds in the morning, talking with strangers, and walking around without any purpose.

Mr. Productivity hates this change in direction. He's been the lead actor in my brain for decades, and I'm now asking him to play a supporting role.

But Mr. Productivity likes to be the star. No, he needs to be the star.

He thinks his approach to life is far better than my new, fluffy orientation toward activities with no productive purpose. And he's doing everything in his power to regain the lead role.

Let's say I wake up on a Friday morning.

Before I'm awake enough to think clearly, Mr. Productivity tells me to check my email and get some writing done. But instead, I decide to go for a walk. He's usually pretty nice about this decision. He says,

"Good idea to get outside and walk. You'll be more energized and have time to think about all that you will accomplish today. Maybe you could listen to a podcast to get a little more out of this walk."

His ideas are alluring, but I've learned that I enjoy walking without any purpose but to observe the world as it is. A podcast takes me away from that. So I leave my phone at home and walk without any end in mind.

By the time I get home, Mr. Productivity is getting a little anxious. He wants me to drink some coffee and get started on productive work. But I pull out my phone to check the surf report. The waves are good, so I decide to go surfing. As I'm putting on my wetsuit, he tries to stop me:

"Cal. Glad you're enjoying your morning. But why don't you go surfing later? You could do a few hours of productive work and then go."

I ignore his plea and surf for a couple of hours. By the time I finish, it's 11am.

Mr Productivity is fully on edge.

He tries a new philosophical approach to bend me to his will:

"Cal, I think you've spent enough time doing nothing. Remember my friend, life is short. You may not have tomorrow, so let's make sure to get the most out of what's left of today."

If I listen to this nudge and get to work, Mr. Productivity feels at ease. We're finally back on track. But if I ignore him and continue with my aimless day, he gets furious.

I decide to ignore him and call an old friend. As that conversation ends, Mr. Productivity tells me what he really thinks,

"What happened to you Cal? You used to be so focused and successful. It's almost noon and you've accomplished nothing. What a waste. How can you live with yourself? You're a disgrace."

Because there is some truth to his words, they finally get to me. I start to believe Mr. Productivity. Maybe I am wasting my time.

And as Mr. Productivity starts to win the battle in my mind, I start to feel bad about myself. Instead of basking in the beauty of the morning I just had, I begin to feel uneasy about how I'm spending my time.

I sit down at the desk, anxious about how I'm not living up to my potential. The rest of the day passes in a tension-filled state. I'm helplessly torn between my desire to appreciate the simple joys of life and my desire to live up to the productive potential that Mr. Productivity wants from me.

This dance with Mr. Productivity takes a different shape every day. Some days, we're fully in sync. Other days, we quibble until we're both unhappy.

Some parts of Mr. Productivity's obstinance are healthy. He reminds me that I should not toss my days away on trivial actions like doomscrolling on social media or binge watching Netflix series. I appreciate him in these moments.

But at the same time, Mr. Productivity takes away from the the times where I'm embracing life as I'd like to. In the moments where I'm engaging in activities just for the joy that they bring me, he's constantly pestering me to set goals, create to-do lists, and get to work.

Buzzing in the background of some of the most enjoyable moments of my existence is his nagging voice that tells me I should be doing something else.

I don't have an answer for this dilemma, but I suspect I'm not alone in dealing with Mr. Productivity.

Most of the ambitious and successful people I know have a similar voice that is constantly nudging them toward higher levels of achievement.

Most people seem to have no idea where this voice comes from. Some follow it blindly. Others resist it.

But it's undeniable that if you have this voice in your head, you have to find the right balance between listening and resisting.

Because while achievements can improve your life and create immense meaning, so can the moments that have nothing to do with achievement.

A good life requires you to figure out how much you want to optimize for pushing yourself to achieve more versus enjoying the less measurable pleasures of life.

The good news is that there is no right answer. You have to figure out what works for you, and as your goals and circumstances change, you have the freedom to shift your approach to satisfy your new desires.

As for me, this period of life is asking me to step away from the relentless focus on achievement that drove me in my youth. In its place, I'm optimizing for physical and mental health, time with people I love, and activities that bring me joy.

Mr. Productivity may not like that, but he's going to have to learn to live with it for now.

What I'm Reading

I've been writing my first book for the last six months, and it's been surprisingly difficult. The ups and downs of writing, slow feedback cycles, and resistance of creative work have beat me down.

When I think about why the pursuit has been so difficult, one of the core challenges is that I've operated as an amateur. For as much as I care about the project, there are many days where I have written nothing.

I suspect the next six months will be more fruitful than the first six, but we'll see. In the meantime, I'm experimenting with new methods for becoming a more serious and better writer.

A book I'm reading that's been helpful is Becoming a Writer by Dorothea Brande. Brande published the book in 1934, and her advice for new and experienced writers is still relevant today.

Her thesis is that many novice writers focus on the technical aspects of good writing when they should be focused on developing the temperament and habits of a writer. Knowing how to write a good story is important, but it doesn't help you if you don't show up at the page to write.

I'm currently playing with some of the exercises and techniques she suggests for making sure I'm taking the craft seriously.

If you're a writer as well, it might be worth a read.

— Cal

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