Rogue Waves, Stammtisch, Vitriol, and the Inner Judge

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🍻 I. Time for a Stammtisch?

I recently moved to San Francisco and had dinner with a friend. We started talking about his day-to-day life and how he spent time with friends. In part, I was trying to figure out how I could integrate into his life.

It may seem odd to think about how you fit into a friend’s life, but I think it’s an important question, especially as people get older and busier.

With this particular friend, the relationship started in college, and in adulthood, we mostly saw each other when I visited SF. So while I was familiar with what we did when I visited as an outsider, I wondered how the relationship might change now that I was living only a few blocks away.

As we talked about different ideas for hanging out, my friend mentioned that he liked the idea of a Stammtisch, a German word that means an informal meeting of friends on a regular basis. That meeting can be as simple as going to a coffee shop or bar every week with a group of people.

I really like the idea because it takes away the somewhat painful process of trying to ad-hoc schedule hangouts or figure out when people are busy or what they want to do on a given day. I’m happy to do these things, but when you add enough friction to a hangout, it’s less likely to happen.

I’m thinking about creating a Stammtisch, starting with picking a night of the week, a venue, and inviting people to join when they can. I’ve never done this before, but it seems that its success depends on making it easy enough for people to join, enjoyable when they come, and to have enough people so that there is a critical mass that shows up every week.

If you’ve ever created or participated in a Stammtisch, I’d love to hear what worked or didn’t work.

🌊 II. The Wild World of Waves

The pursuit of becoming a good surfer has enraptured me over the last four years. This pursuit has enriched my life and guided many of my decisions, including where to live, what to do for work, who I spend time with, what information I consume, and what I do to train my body.

While surfing is difficult to learn, its premise is very simple. You take a board into the ocean and use that board and your body to participate in a dance that harnesses the energy of the waves of the ocean.

Given how varied you and the waves can be, the dance of surfing can be very different from day to day. One day, you find yourself in the welcoming embrace of graceful, peeling waves. The next day, you’re being thrashed around by large, violent waves that feel like they might consume you.

A big part of the surfing journey is figuring out what types of waves you want to dance with and doing the work required to do that safely and well.

As part of learning more about waves, I started reading Susan Casey’s The Wave last week. It’s a well-told story that dives into everything from wave mechanics, to the inside world of big wave surfing, to the scientists trying to understand rogue waves that can destroy cities.

It’s a great read if you’re at all curious about the ocean.

😡 III. Wishing Bad Things for Others

My news feed has been inundated with commentary about the state of the financial world. From the failure of banks to potential contagion events to the relationship between government, risk, and the responsibility of various actors, everyone wants to say something about what’s happening.

I have nothing new to add to the discussion of what’s going on with the banking system or what will happen next.

But in observing the online discussions about this topic, it seems that we’re living in a world in which every topic — including those that most of us know very little about like the world of finance — is being framed as an “us vs them” dynamic in which people think it’s normal to express vitriol toward people who they believe fall into the “them” part of the dynamic.

As these events have unfolded, I’ve seen many people publicly wishing actual harm and financial loss for other people who they don’t know anything about. While wishing bad things for others is common in the online world, it’s a very weird thing to do.

It’s one thing to hold bad actors accountable or to raise awareness for a problem that deserves more attention. It’s another thing entirely to wish harm for and harbor resentment toward strangers who do not share your views about optimal financial policies or who happened to have money at XYZ bank.

If you’re serious about solving a problem or creating a better world, that process does not start with vitriol, negativity, or wishing harm on others. It starts with curiosity, empathy, and coming to the table with an open mind.

🧠 VI. Something I’m Thinking About

Many of my worst moments have been created and exacerbated by my mind. An internal voice decides to berate me for not being productive enough, for not saying the right thing, or for not feeling happy enough.

I’ve learned to recognize this voice as my inner judge. This judge serves an important function, but when it becomes too harsh, it’s time to introduce a more compassionate voice.

The compassionate voice is one that can offer a balanced sense of kind reasoning, reminding me that it’s okay to not get things right all the time or to simply have a bad day. Little by little, this voice helps me navigate my conundrum du jour with more acceptance and grace.

That's all for now. See you next Sunday.

— Cal

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